Tuesday, October 27, 2009

14 Velo Taboo : Underwear Inside Shorts

Attention Cycling Noob,

Just where do you think you're going?? Are you wearing underwear, knickers, lingerie and ofter hardware under your cycling shorts?? If yes, just imagine someone plugged out a huge 8ft stop sign from the ground with utmost urgency and stuck it in your face while an elephant provides the mother of all trumpeting!

Wearing underwear under padded cycling shorts is like riding with your shorts full of broken glass. I mean, imagine someone exploded a Schott glass with dynamite and then slipped the remains from a laboratory funnel right into your shorts. Happy trails!

And we did not even get to the most important part YET.

If you've got cheesy flowers, Mickey Mouse and other nonsense on the underclothing, they'll show through your colored Lycra shorts which will obviously knock the person drafting behind you out of consciousness. Which will then knock the others behind them out of line and others behind them out of their lines... and so on and so forth, until you're all done with a wonderful zero mile ride and all you've done all day is collecting loose pieces of skin from the road to piece yourself together.

Oh..alright...maybe if you're the type of bloke who likes to shoot for a Nobel Peace Prize in microbiology, we might be able to understand why the multitude of fungal infections harvested from the bulbous boils around your nether regions are of any immediate use to you.

So unless you're the above, or you're pulling off a gimmick as an underwear salesman or just someone really bent on publicly exhibiting the variety in the underwear drawer, please oblige and do us all a favor.

While you're changing in the restroom, we'll be having a long talk with your mom.


ShamWow Shammies

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  1. Anonymous12:16 PM


  2. David Parson12:21 PM

    Underwear should technically be software. But yeah lmao, I get the point...

  3. With underwear on, where would you apply shammy cream? That should be about as big a clue to the newbie as the reasons you mentioned here ;)

  4. Anonymous2:41 PM

    Let's be fair and cut some slack to the novice biker! When I started cycling 5 years ago, this issue was a genuine conundrum I came across as well. Would you go with one, or without one? And if you're really confused, who would you ask?

  5. What are bicycle shorts?


  6. Bike_boy @ 2:37 - I'll argue against that. Chances are a biking noob wouldn't even know what a chamois cream is. They'll pass it off as sunscreen and may even apply some to their face. Haha...

  7. Car Whisperer : Only one like it. Schott Glass.

  8. Trackasaurus3:13 PM

    Cycling is a funny sport. Sort of a counter culture really. We're born naked, then learn to wear clothes, then we get introduced to the bike and learn to go commando all over again! Fun yeah?

  9. @ mojo : Ha... well that helps too. When they fall on their face, it'll prevent chafing. :o)

  10. Anonymous3:22 PM

    One of the first things I learnt NOT to do.

  11. The nice thing about bicycle riding is that there are so many weird taboos associated with every bikey sect that it's really hard to stand out.

    I don't know whether to thank or curse roadies for making my habit of wearing regular (=pocketed) knickers + underwear on brevets seem sedate and conventional.

  12. A friend of mine who is an experienced cyclist wears tighty-whities under his shorts for one reason: varicocele. Look it up; it sounds quite unpleasant. The underwear serves to hold his nuts in place and keep the varicocele from flaring up.

    He's willing to trade a bit of chafing for the freedom from a virtual donkey-kick to the junk.

  13. Anonymous12:05 PM



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