Sunday, February 15, 2009

3 To The Thieves Of Armstrong's Time Trial Bike : Time Trial Or Court Trial

Dear Thieves Of Armstrong's Time Trial Bike,

Wow. I just wrote a post earlier this morning addressing fools like you, without knowing of your evil intentions. Talk about Murphy's Law.

You didn't read the post, did you. You may have. I don't know. Its not too late. Listen, today is a Sunday. Tomorrow is President's Day. The 1800-INNOCENT hotline might not actually service you because of these holidays.

So you're in for it.

Because of you, the Homeland Security's national threat level is now on the color YELLOW. Yellow for Livestrong. The missiles are pointing at you folks. Time is ticking away.

As ironic as it sounds, I suggest you hop on that fruit of all the R&D effort at TREK and pedal the hell away. Fleestrong!! And Bite your tongue and get ready to ride, hard. It is the time trial of your life. Its either time trial or court trial.

The bike should be fast. Oh, and crouch! You'll be aerodynamic. Quick. Play the Mission Impossible III Soundtrack on your ipods while you're at it. To get ample airtime, go out and ride on the Interstate or something, where everyone can see you. You should get something superb like this bike chase video.

NOTE : Please, for Dear Lord's sake, do not be tempted to dope to get away fast. I will hit my head in shame if I open the newspaper tomorrow to find another EPO scandal in cycling -This time, involving thieves of bikes!

* * *


  1. Anonymous9:06 PM

    Bounty hunters need to closely monitor Ebay and Craigslist. It'll be funny if the thieves are stupid enough to post it on there. I suspect that they'll be Chinese, and stole the bike only to take quick photographs of it to produce knock-offs back in the Maoist jungles that is the Chinese factory floors. Do they really understand that there is supposed to be only "one like it in the world" in the words of Lance himself?

  2. You're doing too deep an analysis. I'm just upset some unworthy thieves are riding better bikes that I have at home. Sniff sniff...

  3. Anonymous10:23 PM

    I'm not particularly interested in Lance, but to be honest, bike thieves are far bigger assholes.


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