2 Find That Mate On Valentine's

Hey, Happy Valentine's Day. Time to actually dust off the cobwebs off your heart or your wallet (or both if your heart is in your wallet) and use that credit card. Cha-Ching!

Diamonds, chocolates and roses are pretty ineffective because you always end up giving them to the wrong person. Here are 3 things you could do as a cyclist to find that perfect mate on this Valentine's.

1. 'Sealing' A Relationship : Wear tight bicycle shorts like celebrity star Seal, loiter around athletically in public places to attract appropriate member of opposite sex. Expect approving looks or Bush shoe throws depending upon country you're in. Go to step 2 if successful at pulling the Seal.

2. Injury Through Tandem Romance : Buy this nervous bicycle.

Ride it while smelling each other's perspiration. If its pungent enough to distract you from riding, partner stinks like hydrogen sulfide. If the tire underneath them flats out, partner is an overweight hippo. Both of you will also fall many times on the hips and sides. Test how loud the other one screams in agony. If screams are below threshold decibel value, a calm future together is predicted. If above, you'll never get peace of mind living together. Quick, ditch partner. Go back to step 1 and reiterate until better outcome.

3. Artificial Arousal : If none of these techniques work for you and you remain hopelessly single, visit a nearby store and buy one of these calenders. Hook it up on your ceiling above where you sleep to take care of loneliness at night. Tell your boss ahead of time why you'll be late to work every morning.

Good luck with your romance. Don't quote me on your special day.