Savestrong Flash Drive : Acquiring & Securing Telepathic Performance Data Of High Profile Athletes
Submitted to the prestigious Journal Of (Mis)Marketing September 27, 2008
Main Reference - C&A : Research Errors Evaluation, Dugas et.al
Others - Delta Efficiency Calculation in Tour de France Champion Wrong, Gore et. al
Improved Muscular Efficiency Displayed As Tour de France Champion Matures, Coyle
2 years ago we were in the abstinence related industry, when we introduced our revolutionary breakfast meals for persons with an addiction to winning more times than necessary.
Prominent athletes all around the world tasted it and later, burped with exhaustion and retired.
The rest, like they say, is history.
At the time, we were the only vertically integrated, stiff yet compliant company to introduce this to market, with about 18% lesser (bi) cycle time to get it to said market than our chasing competitor.
Our track record in this regard has been exceptional, to say the least.
Continuing in our traditions of providing custom made solutions to completely custom made problems, we've discovered the need to comeback again after a 2 year hiatus. Only this time, for a new cause, for a new goal.
What's this, you ask?
Permit us to elucidate.
The problem of Global Cancer Epidemic takes 8 Magazillion lives every year.
The problem of Global Stupidity haunts 18 Bagazillions more than any other Epidemic combined.
So we asked ourselves - which one is greater? Note that apart from a whole lot of constipated thinking, the human mind yields nothing else fruitful in this regard, since its not designed to fathom Magazillions and Bagazillions.
Many lengthy comparisons on an array of supercomputers later , we've settled for an answer.
Understanding that Stupidity exists on a massive scale on the Globe, we've decided to concentrate our resources to providing solutions in specialized areas, such as the field of Longitudunal Testing In Human Performance Research (L.T.H.P.R). Market analysts have prompted us that one facet of the Global blunder we're after may just be running amok in this area.
So after many many hours of tweaking and extensive anonymous surveys with our panel of erudite lab mice, we introduce our latest innovation geared towards the error prone research fellow investigating high profile athletes. Yes, you heard right.
All this coincides perfectly with the calamitous 7 long years of minor errors, lost data, uncalibrated equipment, gross efficiencies, and not to mention, Delta efficiency...which you may have heard, is at an all time low.
So what is Savestrong?
Savestrong is simply a clean-looking USB Flash Drive with a whole lot of space. It is, however, exclusively designed for saving imaginary, non peer-reviewed research information and any other raw data that doesn't make sense.
Note that it will not work with anything else. An embedded lie detector within the instrument gauges whether the information being saved is accurate or not. If accurate, a red light blinks and all of the data in the drive will be discarded.
The exterior of Savestrong is yellow in color to remind everyone that no, we haven't forgotten about the other problem of the world, which is cancer.
So permit us, editor, to make a case for Savestrong out to all human performance researchers attempting longitudinal testing :
Firstly, we here at Savestrong respect your telepathically acquired research data, and understand the mess of digging it up for debates when it spans long periods of time.
We also believe in minimalism. Savestrong adequately protects you from the inability to respond with information in court or in other relevant scientific debates of our time by saving all the holes and flaws of your data into one tiny 100 GB space.
Longitudinal Testing (L.T.H.P.R) is not an easy task.
It essentially involves continuously studying an imaginary subject not present on a stationary bicycle at the time of testing, for an extended period of time. All this provided that the subject has a reasonable alibi for being away. Bathroom breaks, space tourism to another planet, a pasta dinner with the wife, absconding with money... all may count, depending upon the protocols laid out in the study.
But with Savestrong, all you need to do is just point the Flash Drive at your imaginary research subject on the laboratory ergometer. To one's amazement, the instrument promptly picks up any imaginary performance variables no matter what heck of a longitude the actual subject may be on!
Savestrong is Longitudinally Forgiving
In addition, for proper research etiquette and accountability, the Savestrong Flash Drive puts the T back in Transparency.
It is completely transparent!
That's right. Now, with this vast design improvement, any whitecoated researcher can see at once see the data he's saving by peering into the Flash Drive, as the data inches away like an earthworm into the secure depths of Savestrong's handsome electronic interiors.
Then, you may do anything with all this performance information as you please.
Plug this into your incorrect formulas and you have a paper for the media!!
Bring it to court and win umpteen lawsuits!
Blackmail your research subject for a handsome ransom.
Or place it into one of our specialty freezers and you have years of reliable environment proof storage within a storage.
So, lets sum up our ideas once again.
Grilled over "minor" errors?
Blasted over accountability?
Fired in the name of scientific misdemeanor?
Most of all, missing key data?
We ask the perpetrators of junk research to fear not, take a deep breath and call us here at Savestrong today.
Preparation is paramount while facing the hard times shelled out from your peers in the academic fraternity. Traditionally, matters have always been Fight or Flight in research circle debates.
We now hope that with Savestrong, things will only be Fight or Fight, with absolutely no room for any more flights with Delta efficiency.
Call : 1800-SAVE-MY-SCIENTIFIC-REAR ....For A Quote