Hi. I'm Lance Pharmstrong..
According to my calculations, I've discovered that I need to win just one more Tour de Farce to respectfully get critics to replace the "Pharm" in my last name to "Arm".
Due to brain lag associated with being a champion at the highest levels, I didn't come up with this bright idea three years ago prior to retirement.
Fans, I've made up my mind. I'm going from toning to Pro Pele-toning.
Yep, you heard right.
No more brazen, barren-chested midday tonings with unreliable stoners.
No more babysitting the anorexic Olsens. And no more sitting in my office with nothing to do but write boring speeches for people I dont plan on spending more than a minute with.
My quest to bring some degree of excitement into my life is as human as any of your daily needs are, such as trying to be me on a weekend-warrior basis. (Who're you kidding, pal? I rescued my balls AND won the Tour seven times, what did you do??)
After a conference room discussion with lengthy exchanges of words asking for permission with my umpteen ex-wives, and after getting the Catholic blessings of my favorite ex-wife (I can never miss that!), I have got the official green light to kickstart another "program" in order to get in shape.
As an added bonus, my favorite person - G.W over at Washington - has advised me over the phone to do whatever the hell I've got to do to finish unfinished business. He remarked that just in case the French get overly combative, he'll be the one this time giving "The Look" as he fakes another WMD possibility through one of his podcasts and orders the invasion of France.
Now you already know that I love to win everything I get my hands on. Even if its the pillowfights I have religiously every morning with my kids, failure is NOT an option.
So I told my management team - "Make me number 1 in everything on the calender - from the tingly Boston and NYC Marathons, and the recovery Leadville 100....to the super easy Transhimalayan-IndoChinese-Tibeto-Taliban-Border 1000-Mile-Speed-Walking-Challenge-In Under-24-Hours...yes, do it.."
Apparently, a crucial miscalculation on their part also put me on the number 1 spot for city water consumption.
I almost had a heart attack seeing the utility bill.
I love water. No, no...now don't get me wrong. I abbbsolutely fricckin love water..!
But my relentless aqua binge drinking, long showers after heavy intense exercise, watering acres and acres of nothing but grass at the ranch, vaccuming tons of dirt out of the local creek as per city demands, and other stupid idiosyncrasies of mine underwater have finally taken their toll.
Bicycling magazines no longer want me with the fervor they all had 3 years ago. Divorce settlements and other dowry payments are in peak form. Jet fuel prices are soaring. And teams of people and lawyers are suing me perennially. The A-holes are everywhere - left, right and center!
Sigh. I'll say it like a man.
I've got bills to pay.
Hence, my strategic move to Aspen, CO where my team has discovered that water is cheaper.
In addition, it is also needless in me mentioning to you that I'm growing increasingly tired of spending my time picking petals, trying to make up my mind in what to break a belief defying record in next - will it be running, or speed skating.... speed skating or ice hockey...?
Keeping in mind that Johann is ever so lusting after me for another shot at yellow, and the fact that I've obtained enough training riding away fast from four life threatening blondes (who were a colossal waste of time....Jesus!)...., I hereby to you declare that I'm physically and mentally capable of handling the stresses of another 21 stages of the Tour.
I can do this.
'Coz I'm Lance.
Some of the top guys in the peleton right now are shining too much and I feel Contador has had his share of the glory. It is in the best interests of America that I go there pretty soon and whoop some ass without abandon.
And boy, will that be a clean sweep!
While I won't necessarily be successful in trying to handle the French raping my attempts to ride again, my management team is putting together a website, called let me ride.com.
All you have to do is waste your precious time, substitute "let me" with Lance, type it in, give it a click, and you're good to go register your vote.
In conjunction with my comeback, my LiveWrong Foundation will be releasing new urine colored Limited Edition wrist bands custom made to accomodate all the wrist fractures you have sustained from falling off your bikes.
See for yourself :
Some attractive features are that it is made in China using the latest in labor cost saving technology and in order to save weight, its synthetic rubber edges have been specially CNC machined for that glossy finish typical of my bands.
'Rong, I'm Back!' serves two purposes - not only for me as a rider coming back to Pro-peletoning, but also for you cancer survivors, who can raise a finger proudly to those devils who said you would have no chance and that you'd be dead by now.
And Limited Edition? Just incase this whole scheme doesn't pull through and I can't race, I won't be disgraced...
So friends, hurry while stocks last and go upgrade your wrists with a new found excitement!
Every dollar earned from proceedings will go towards not only helping me recover from the boredom of not winning anything since this morning's pillowfight with the kids just a few minutes ago, but also towards writing two more books about my return to pro-peletoning, two hundred new episodes with Discovery Channel postulating the science behind out-of-retirement athletics and five hundred new posters of me standing with Johann Bruno-eel....doing nothing in particular.
So once again fans, please support me in my bid to ride in another Tour de Farce... Its the only 100% real, pure, fine, filtered and unadulterated cycling race you should be watching on OLN (Only Lance Network). And to all you motorists out there in Aspen, the Rockies and Solvang....please don't run me over and impale me as I train meticulously on the curvy sections.
See you at the races!